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Experiment, part three

“But how can you dig up and examine a belief that you don’t even know you hold?”
    ~ Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures,
       chapter 2 (2009)

Too bad I’m not the last male human on Earth
Since that scenario’s unlikely
Should’ve tacked a long time ago
Facing the wind
Being open to change
The reach for romance
I’ve been reassured aplenty
I’m insufferably uncool
I’ve also been held
In arms or spirit imitating
The reach to soothe
The buffets of the noise and haste
The coldly programmed hardened world round about
Dishes out
The closest approximations
In my recollection
Being the stripper at the frat house tease
The teaser relieved to never have stripped
A grandmother’s words on her way to the bathroom
And nothing more
Shall change
At the surface
At tension’s softening
At least exchange
Best as enemy of good enough
Quitting for searching and yearning
Money for vestige of love
A deal traditional as concept of profession
And why not
Let me ask
Isn’t mutual use an improvement on unilateral abuse?
For what other change shall I long
But one
The loneliness
Of living on this farmland
Marveling at adult life
Its peculiarity and excess
Isn’t it obvious
I only try
To look as if I could’ve fit
With my colleagues who again cajole me from the office Friday evening
To Club Boca
Where Hulski immediately hits the dance floor
Head bobbing to the thirty-second notes
A solo flutter
Too bad there’s no Noski to save me
From the sight of Thomski heading straight for the bar
To wash down sordid memories of the divorce
A solo waste
Ah but then there’s Don Juanski
He does nothing solo
Except as I make way for him
Strut in
Shoulders flung back
Chest thrust forward
Mane of jet black hair flowing down his muscular back
Across loose tropical shirt toward tight jeans
Over silky burnished dusky skin
What a man
I count the seconds from the first blondie’s notice
To her sidling up
Right into his arms
There on the dance floor
They grind together
They’ll leave together
While his kindly brunette girlfriend might be sitting home
Or probably not
They’re both smooth as silk
His crassness preserved for one or another of the Haitian guys
Working the bathroom
Offering towelettes to all who enter there
Masisi, he snorts
When the guy’s not overhearing
Hers maybe for him
When he’s not observing
Or probably not
While no one’s noticing
The blondies look right through me
Isn’t that an improvement over sneers?
Everyone I see has become too professional to bother
But inside of course
They’re all just the same
The following Friday I skip this scene
Citing beach volleyball as my preoccupation
And indeed reach the sand
Manage to clumsily get in the way of some balls
Making the bikini-clad girls giggle
Besides this kindly brunette
Less rude than most
Lovely too
Far too lovely
For this four-eyed wuss
To ask her out solo
So I ask the group
And we all go out on a company-paid date
Aren’t bonuses worth sharing
When I get us back to the apartments and everyone’s
Standing around the car
She serves once more
As a hood ornament
The finest I’ve seen
Putting it in neutral I rev the engine
Let her have the best thrill
I’m free to provide
Till I watch her go back to the place she shares
With one of these guys
Another divorced buddy tells me
About how he got laid with her last week
It was easy he said
He just asked and she said OK
Let him take her
Moved together
To pull apart just before
Ah but then how he plays volleyball
Returning every serve with strong flash
Of darkly tanned skin
What a man
Did he consider the risks
That might just might be
He’s saved me more than once
Made me wonder why I always meet the wrong girls
Stepped in to protect me
From ruining my life on
Gold diggers heart breakers game players green card seekers
Dude, how about the two of us get on this BBS
That has a setup for computer sex
Not to appear as novices we connect with someone there
Who claims to be a woman
With 666 in her handle
Tell her we do computer sex often
As we dream the reality in orbit
As she wants to meet in person
We arrange a date at the sub place
And now here we are
Wondering who if anyone shows up
When in she walks
Gorgeous tan smiling pleasant in her revealing attire
Says hello
Grabs a sandwich and sits by me
Begins describing her latest waxing
Hikes miniskirt clear above hips to show off
All that smooth white depilated flesh
And that luscious V
Ah but what a tormentor
Like all the others
As we finish and return to reality
I decide to try an experiment
Since I’m learning that women
At least those more interesting than the obligatory cold office beauties
Or traditional churchbound nonstarters
Or maybe I just lack somebody else’s key
To ignition
Are promiscuous if only in whom they’ll taunt
And men too if only in their minds
And how could such a man or woman
Desire the burden of being tied down
Especially to a graceless geek
I may nevertheless have a chance at intimacy before I die
With someone who might just might
Stick around long enough for me to learn something about it
About close relationship
How about with a man
But I’m already weird enough without
A gay lifestyle
How about with a woman then
If she’s not too spoiled by male attention
If she’s homely
If she’s messy nerdly nutty hefty goofy strapped with a kid
Or just plain
How about with this mom
I meet at a Unitarian church’s singles event
And invite into conversation because of her smile
And dream might put up with me
She’s a bit chubby after all
We arrange to meet some more
She’s happy for me to make a St. Patrick’s Day party
At her dad’s place
But won’t let me so much as see the baby
Then as we’re catching a video
At her own place
With the kid in the next room
Her ex barges in the front door
He indisputably will see the baby
And seems to have lots on his mind
I make my exit
Must’ve been useful
For her to show him she’s still able to seduce
At least some corncob caricature of a guy
Why shouldn’t she be able
She’s maybe not a looker
Nonetheless too appealing
For that little episode to last long enough
To take the experiment very far
We never even kissed
No, time’s come to adjust my aim
Gotta find an utterly lost soul
For my next attempt
Someone in reasonable shape of compatible age but hopelessly frumpy
Someone who won’t attract
Someone a little more like us three me
Myself and
I for whom no one falls
Should she be foreign
So homelier than our physically well-provided first-world girls
And less jaded
Should she be a fish out of water
A helpless toddler to us savvy statesiders
Hardly knowing the language
New to everything from supermarkets driving high-tech gadgets dental floss
To American shortcomings
Should she need lots of support
A place to stay
A health insurance provider
A guy to do some cooking and cleaning
A green card
Help with paperwork
Help with medical problems
Help with classes
Help with understanding
Why she even came to this forlorn end of the world
Help with life
Someone who’ll raise her
For a short while
Till she can find a more manly choice
Should she have no other choice
Besides loneliness or other losers
Who like me raise no flames
Whose embrace can take nobody to cloud nine
Whose daily wave of captive fascination
Rising in long steady gallop of suspended onrushing thunder
To magic eternal moments of throbbing white-hot intensity
Are in such a wonky framed coat hanger as myself
At best condemnably obscene
At worst laughably pathetic
So much the better
And maybe just maybe
She might just might
Find that I’m a good enough guy
She’ll stick around a bit longer
Than loneliness alone motivates
Though romance it won’t be
All the while I’ll have known what it is to be
Near a female human
Who lets me hold her close
Lets me feel cozy
And isn’t too averse to say OK
When I ask
It’ll be easy
We’ll meet
Go out
Then back to my place
And after the first night
Ask if she wants to spend the next with somebody else
Predictably if she’s honest she’ll say yes
Whereupon I’ll let her know my bedroom could be open
To that somebody too
To keep things interesting enough
Maybe just maybe
With experience in relationships
Some refinement
I can do it again
In any weather
Serial or parallel
Being open to change

Thanks always returns

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