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Lament of the magnificent

“Infamy is better than total obscurity.”
    ~ Elliot Rodger, “My Twisted World” (2014)

Wipe this blood off my hands
I didn’t ask for this
The human species had rejected me
I was going to be a virgin outcast forever
With all my life wasted
I had no choice
I was a ghost
Jealous of the tall hunky jocks all the girls love so much
And so I took a few of them with me
Those lucky bastards and their cruel girls
To be ghosts too
Pointless yuppie brutes or utterly repulsive nerds that they were
I did them a favor
They didn’t deserve
Was any of them his or her own person
What about me?

Well, I did achieve infamy
The pointlessness of it now revealed to be even more infuriating
Than any other absolute
Brutal failure of mine
The feminists say they didn’t have to have sex with me
The gun control people say just what they’d say about road rage
The so-called experts say my issue is with men
Since I didn’t write any details about women
What morons
I didn’t know any women well enough to get details
The gun control battle will go the way it would’ve without me
And it’s not as if I haven’t been told before
“No girl in this whole world will ever want to fuck you”
Aren’t these feminists the very same women
Who have a perverted sexual attraction for the most brutish of men
Instead of gentlemen of intelligence?

It’s different on this side
In no space and no time
Ask a question
Such as why
And any number of others are listening
To lend some answers for my brooding contemplation
With no more frontier
No more filthy scum to wipe out of the way
No more land to conquer
No more slaves to steal
Nothing left to do for the children of the pioneers but party
The pointlessness of it being a major flaw
In the very foundation of humanity
The real question is why
I so much desired to join
Or rise above their magnificence
That only tall blondes were attractive
That I wanted to be one too
That I thought jealousy was my problem
Social awkwardness and alienation
Unhelpful recommendations
Kissless virginity
Unfairness and injustice
Clueless parents and no real friends
The obsession for the unrealizable
To be admired powerful worthy of respect
Deep as were those manifestations
It went deeper
Being of mixed race culture descent in a world of the unmixable
So homesick was I for so long
Even as the universe pointed it out
She always wanted me out of her house
His new wife kicked me out of his
I never recognized the home I never knew
Was all along waiting to be found
Right here
Had I just known
How I could’ve channeled
My frustrations into the creative not the destructive
And with gladness for the blessings enjoyed by others
Found the strength even in this fearful twisted world
That’s not mine alone
To understand and appreciate rather than blame and judge
To be more willing to interact than withdraw
To love

What of those brutes
Why are they so attractive
Free now from that male body’s demands
The fresh perspective alone makes me rethink modern society
Could it be that all people
Even women no matter how beautiful
Aren’t all that different from me
Afraid the world sees them as weaklings or even creeps
Just as I saw them
Enough to make them feel like losers
When their self-worth is centered on their aging mortal bodies
Always and ever showing off those bodies
When anyway men only want their bodies
Wouldn’t that be less aggravating if those men are stupid
Hunky jocks
Just brutes
What a sick joke the human condition is
Had I made that trip to Morocco and stayed for keeps
The fresh perspective alone might’ve been enough to reveal
The pointlessness of hanging onto where I was
Stuck in a world someone twisted
As I always felt it took a big change for my situation
To reach an outcome I could never have expected
To feel sorry for all the others stuck in it right there with me
To join the party after all
I wasn’t alone
I am part of the human race
Too late
Which is the most infuriating thing ever to befall me

You get nothing from the Secret
No joy from the law of attraction
Unless you know what to manifest
What could a lottery win change
When the power that beautiful women have is unbelievable
Enough to make you feel like a loser
When anyway they only want your money
So you get what you expect
A pointless life no more fulfilling
Than would be sharing your first kiss with a hooker
Just never ending
Time’s come to take the word never out of all my mantras
Like I’ll never have talent skill strength
I’ll never be part of the popular crowd
I despise I’ll never
Be acceptable or loved I’ll never
Fit in I’ll never
Get laid I’ll never
Have a place that feels like home I’ll never
Wipe this blood off my hands

    July 2014

Thanks always returns

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