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Super diligent

“A frog in a well can’t converse about the ocean
  Being confined to the limits of a hole”
    ~ Chuang Tzu, Outer Chapters, chapter 2

When I last lived in the city
I drank no water
But from the reverse osmosis tap
Over the years
Noticing odd sensory effects
Of passing through nonexistent webs
Or breathless anticipation
Of nothing
I sought guidance
Got a picture of lithium deficiency
Got a low dose
Took it for awhile
I’d known what I needed
It worked
Why take lithium in near-toxic amounts
If not because doctors are indoctrinated
Taught by the converts who got the research grants
From the makers of patented pharma
Lithium may work so well
None but the most diligent
Would think to prescribe it
Since it’s never marketed
Only occasionally pushed at zombified overdosees

She’s too darn efficient
Get something out to use
Turn back and it’s gone the next minute
To where it belongs
She’s too darn reactive
Tell her something to make her believe
She’s childlike
And she literally becomes a child
The wrong match for that cute little
Adult body
She’s too darn sensitive
Even in the extrasensory realm
Fantasize that you’re holding her
By the foot
And her foot begins aching too much to go walking
Imagine you’re connected to her
And she begins to feel exactly where you connect
Pretend that you’re her
Eventually she’ll be you
Get stuck in that picture
And the two of you will intertwine
In what must be a weird experience for both

She’d kept a vision
For too many days and nights without a break
Of all of us together
Living a life that each would’ve wanted
She couldn’t abandon that work
God’s own
Until she could go no longer
Constantly awake without disturbing me
Until she landed in confinement
On drugs
And there
After some rest acted as bridge
Between two people
Who were compelled by each other
Yet couldn’t get along without her
Who both happened to be from Mexico
Confined to psychiatric care
But could’ve been from anywhere
And free as a long open road

I made a trip of five hundred miles and back
To pick her up
I’d made a longer trip for a woman
But none who’d come back with me
Withdrawal put her back in the mental ward
Where the trip was just an hour and a half
Each direction
They listened to me that time
And put her on substances that allowed
For her eventual independence
If only from themselves

The healer started by checking my tongue
Then placed needles
At my third eye
Along the side of each thumb
Didn’t want to miss Liver 6
And a few other points
Checking and rechecking my pulses along the way
At last stood for awhile in meditation
Then spoke

“You have an issue with your father
  Let me ask
  Age forties thirties twenties teens
  OK teens
  Looks like around fifteen
  What’s happening between your father and you
  At this time?”

I think back
Voice what comes to mind
“A realization:
  The kid they’d adopted from foster care
  Because I’d never socialized
  So he’s somehow supposed to help me
  Discovers around this time that he’s gay
  My mother wants to make a fundamentalist out of him
  By force
  There’s fight after fight
  A lot of yelling in the house
  I shut them all out of my room
  And sit at my computer
  I’ve never contacted my adopted brother
  Since those days
  They’ve asked me not to
  And I’ve done what they wanted
  My father could joke around
  But in these days as the terror between those two
  Has come to physical beatings
  He takes no role
  Sits silent as always amid the maelstrom
  Except when I ask him to help me install the deadbolt
  That’ll lock them out
  He does what he’s asked
  Never intervenes of his own volition
  Diligent only in meeting requirements
  Not truly diligent”

“I picture him fishing”

“I hate fishing”

“Did he fish?”

“If he had a favorite thing to do
  Maybe that was it”

“I picture him with a four-pronged hook
  Putting a worm on
  So you can cast it in”

“Interesting that last time I went fishing with them
  It was deep-sea fishing
  I wasn’t used to the waves and sunk the hook into my thumb
  After that, he did the hooking for me
  While my mother remained all the while in the cabin
  Seasick”

“She’s not in this picture
  I see him casting into your third chakra
  But it’s just an empty hole”

“That’s a centrally-located spot too”

“True, it’s near the physical body’s center
  Why not fill it with water?”

“How much water —
  I could fill it with the ocean
  The ocean has storms...”

“Storms happen”

“... and it has calms, too”

I let the ocean wave out from my center
Feeling the needles tickle one by one
As the water reaches them
To continue outward beyond this body’s physical extremities

He’s meanwhile been working with her too
Her foot’s hurting
She’s cut the neuroleptics
Besides a little lithium
She’s been more than one person
Her right ankle has hurt for months
To take the interloper out
He’s called on guides
Who’ve performed a sort of exorcism
And suggested she protect herself by climbing into a hollow log
Sunk deep underwater
Where she could breathe through her gills
I tell him of someone over whom we’re both concerned
Who may rather, she thinks, be part of our lives from a distance
Than in person
Could this be what drove her to the sleeplessness
Out of which she became psychotic
So now doctors want her on a near-toxic dose of a mineral
Whose small doses aid her sleep just as well
He can’t give an answer
Other than to suggest without speaking aloud
That a log in the mind is less toxic
Than too much of a mineral in the blood
As long as she’s sleeping like a log these nights
If that isn’t enough diligence for her
He makes no sign

Thanks always returns

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