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The relinquishing, part two

“There is, incidentally, more analogy than you realize between a physical object exerting gravitational attraction and a sentient being exerting free will!”
    ~ Raymond Smullyan, “Is God a Taoist?”

No one can help
Now that I’ve been marooned
To drift about a crazy world
Where if not for a stripper who once took pay to sit nude in my lap
I’d never have kissed a girl this whole frustrated decade
Despite the fact that the guys I’ve worked with on all my past jobs
Even the married guys
Cussed and joked about women and sex all day long
As though they had any of either
Or more like they hadn’t until I
Took an office job
Took an interest in a young lady there
Took in my breath at rapidly discovering
The enormous intolerant difference
Between having and not having women
In the workplace
And since my college days of meeting women
Outside of the workplace or personal ad
Soon end I might as well go ahead
Give up
Anyway all of them have either wanted to use me
For a doormat a lacky a steward a place to maybe stay for awhile
If that much
Or abuse me fill me with understated suggestions
Always to remain unfulfilled for
Sure go ahead
Accept the fact
That I’m the only one of my kind
Abandoned here slowly dissolving
Go ahead and tell the next young woman
Who expresses what’s surely feigned interest
In a bicycle ride of a few days to the beach and back
That intimacy with me is inconceivable
Though of course not for any
Physical or psychological reason that truly applies
Not because there’s any sense in despising me
Not because of all the other guys she hangs out with all day
Being an engineering student herself
And will of course be sure to come along
Once I sign up for this venture
To my exclusion from what closeness there may have been
Or more likely not
But only because of the egregious image
This insane society has thrust upon me
Just for being myself and different
Some inexplicable repulsiveness
Spurring me to blithely go ahead
Play the music loud in the car
Throughout the one two-person trip I’ll take
From Meredith to the coast
Because my passenger
Who happens to be destined for the same town
Is too attractive for me to bother
Starting a conversation over those hours of travel
Go ahead
Take the girl next door to pick up a book at the library
Where she moves a too good
To be true long leg
To place an athletic shoe on mine
For no reason
Probably by mistake
Drop her back to the place where her boyfriend
Soon leaves my fender smashed
Also for no reason
Go ahead
Address the next young woman
Who leaves the classroom at my side
Realizing any mutual path leads nowhere
As I’m adrift
By asking her what the hell I’m doing
Then walk away
To where I can go ahead
Take no further interest at all
Unless I become truly desperate
Unless that interest involves someone three times my age or twice my weight
Unless I find another abandoned or lost soul who might just possibly be honest
As if I wasn’t the only one
Which runs counter to what I’ve observed all these years
And seem obliged to accept
So I go ahead
Remain alone at the office with all its dressy teases
Until I return to this apartment I might’ve called home
If anyone or anything else was there besides
Music reading computer code and simple inward awareness
Allowing me to go ahead
Shut every other person in this crazy world
Out like a light.

Thanks always returns

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