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Understand

“Remember that the energy you receive is connected to what you project.
  If you wish for others to stop projecting blame onto you, you must stop projecting blame onto others.
  It is true that some choices are limited in childhood and that the experiences that we have in childhood are a foundation piece for the person we choose to become.”
    ~ Ayleen Augustine, Frequencies (2011)

1

It’s come C-shaped
You’d think this she’d like
I’ve gone cleanly in the toilet
Making one of the letters she’s taught, too

“Come and see!”

No response from the kitchen

“Come and see!!”

The TV and utensil sounds down there
Go on
Unchangingly
As the view across the empty road
And the darkened lower end of the pasture
From which the cows have been brought in and tended
By no one
In this modern house

“Come and see”

Oh well
I can flush it too
I’ll get it
If I don’t


2

So
Many things I understand
Not at all
Why expect to be understood
At all


3

She’s stupendously great
Fantastically gorgeous
A genius
A missionary
A rare person of real goodness
A true Christian
A degreed expert in child development
A descendant of Henry VIII
Married to a country hick
As we can never forget
As she lets me know
I’m uncoordinated
Gullable
Sad-sack
Immature
I always have to get my own way
I can dish it out but I can’t take it
I keep feeling sorry for myself
And over and over I do things
Everyone thinks are strange
Oh well
All is affirmed
As what’s done is done
I’m just strange
What of the rest
Emulating one or another amongst themselves
Like monkeys
Nobodies for awhile knighted
For their own ability to ape
Apes aping apes aping apes
Lauding their independence all the while
Coordinated
Positive
Mature
Pleased with themselves
Self-congratulatory even
Never remotely strange
Whether I’m worse off than they
Or better
Is somebody else’s judgment
I don’t need to understand
So judge me
So what
I suck
And I don’t care


4

After I’ve sent another holiday letter
Everyone thinks is strange
As she lets me know
No one appreciates my comments on the benefits
I’ve experienced first-hand
Of trace lithium
And other minerals
To the sanity
That could return to society
Living on factory-farm-depleted soils as it does
Ah, how quickly the old familiar sense of defeat sets in
It’s done now
I’ve proven myself to be the freak that I am
Yet again
In the eyes of everyone who matters
Unique in all the world

Reflecting for a long moment
I ask her which judges she’s checked in with
This time
Since I’d also for once heard tell
Of appreciation
From other quarters
This time
She won’t let go
Though I skip a few Sundays
Come the next conversation
She has something more to say

“I’m glad you have a baby on the way
 Because now you’ll understand
 Once you learn you have to discipline
 That I wasn’t such a bad mother”

I have nothing to say
But from my side pipes a cute voice

“I raised my nephew
 Participated as much as anyone
 But never had to discipline him
 Just loved him
 And he knew it”

These days he does the lecture circuit
That jet set researcher
Meets every square criterion
The other end of the line
Can have
Nothing to say
One can only hope

“It’s always about me
 You never have anything to say
 About your father”

“You want me to complain about him
 How about this
 I hardly know him”

After all we’ve never really talked
By this point
I understand
Not at all
This pressing need
For argument
Why should I
When what’s expected
Is soon to be too busy
For more Sundays like these


5

“How much did you raise him
 And how much did he raise you
 Eternally cute medium-size Nyashka”

“How could I
 Who’ve gone through so much with you
 Still come across as a baby
 Any more than she does
 Who cries for your father at the least provocation
 Any more than you
 Who’ve failed to understand people
 All these years”

“What can any of us explain to another
 Who can’t understand
 I can say it’s a matter of energy
 The aura you present
 The life you’ve been led to lead
 Why ask
 The difference between you versus her versus me
 Isn’t it a simple difference
 Of overprotection versus indulgence versus rejection”

“How can we raise our child without any of these
 When they’re what we know
 And on this remote mountain
 Not remotely different from private suburban footage
 In this remote society
 Of remote four doors and four walls
 We’re utterly on our own”

“We’ve agreed before
 There are many things
 I don’t understand”

Thanks always returns

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