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Unholy trinity

“Learning to love yourself —
  It is the greatest love of all”
    ~ Linda Creed, “The Greatest Love of All” (1977)

If the physical and mental are unreal
The mindscape a convincing projection of a convincing projection
Then clearly we have to be convinced
To experience competition, frustration, struggle
In order to learn about love
A tricky lesson

Three reasons come to mind
Why she’s convalescing
About as long as I’ve known her
First, I expect too much of the people in my life
Frustrated as I am
With humans not living up to their potential
What can I expect
From a sick person?

Second, I seem hard to love
Competition will take her away
But who’d compete
Over a sick person?

Third, I tend to take her as a child
Those who struggle with the physical and mental lose cuteness
But who’d struggle
In a peaceful home?

Three effects come to mind
On me as the root cause
The perplexity of being harmful
The frustration of losing people
The alienation that comes of lack of adult companionship
All cultures see all the rest as childlike
So apparently almost no one grows up in any of them
No mature competition
Means not much to struggle against
But myself
Her power: she forgives whomever harms her
Lets go of anything
Except those with whom she’s bonded

As above, so below
As darkness gives meaning to light
Physically, there’s no equality without inequality
No freedom without mechanism
Mentally, there’s no art without a critic
No medicine without side-effects
Spiritually, there’s no quality without failure
No love without struggle

They say the first pancake’s a lump
Well, the last may be too
And there’s no thanking God without giving the devil his due

As she invites troubled characters who are hard to forgive
So I invite weird experiences which are hard to return thanks
And anyone crossing our conjoined path invites transformation and healing
Her intuition: to see it as it is
And let me know
If I’m a walking affliction and she’s the endlessly afflicted there are reasons
Beyond fathoming as some may be
To dwell in the negative
Is all that’s unholy

That’s just as well
But what does it mean to dwell
In the negative
The little one falls
Four feet to the floor
The gorilla awakens
There are only bruises and probably those are mostly to the ego
No bones broken
How could I have broken so many even younger
Other than by arrangements
Probably made to look like accidents
And who’d dare suspect this right-wing Christian missionary teacher
But why?
Out of frustration with others failing to live up to her expectations
Out of desperate possessiveness from being unloved
Out of becoming sick of having to take everyone as a country hick
Or all three?
After all she’d be the first to say there aren’t a lot of geniuses
Descended from royalty back in those hills
And add see, he has trouble walking
Always acts like there’s a problem
Awkward and uncoordinated
A farmer could hardly bond with a son like this
I’d have nobody but her

Isn’t the unholy what we find most objectionable
Use abuse and uncontrolled rage toward the helpless
Not because it’s enjoyable
But from necessity born of perspective?

Something shows up in my photos from back then
Which we take in respectfully now
When does the healer take on the pains traumas and injuries of the healee
If not when love calls for it all to be brought into perspective
When a healer gets crucified
It’s a sure sign that the world must be saved
And that we’d better hope whatever power created it
Is different from the healer
And both of those different from ourselves
Any part of that trinity that’s unholy
Has no real perspective

Sure I was awkward
Yes I was weird
No question I was everything that’s hard to love
I sucked
And I didn’t care
Because I loved myself
I may have been a loner
But never a goner
Heaviness too is unreal
Her childlike gift: to always be light
And know it

    October 2016

Thanks always returns

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